RITA

Trigger warning : medical trauma, vcug trauma, IUD trauma, blood. Part of my journey to wellness is accepting, writing and sharing what has happened to me. I hope other survivors know they are not alone. What didn’t kill me actually did not make me stronger, though it would make for a cool story I suppose. I have found connection and love is what has made me stronger so I hope those who have gone through this find a connection here. I want to preface my VCUG procedure with a heartfelt note that my parents also wanted the best health for me and all of their children. Informed consent was not given or considered for this procedure. This is just a part of my story on medical negligence, consent and an overall failing healthcare system for women. It started with my VCUG and the PTSD that persisted after my 5th birthday into my 35th birthday. It was Aug 8th 1994 and I just turned 5. I was taken in for a VCUG procedure. I had enuresis (bed wetting) and some UTI-like symptoms. People usually outgrow enuresis by 5 and I outgrew enuresis naturally on my own after this procedure. No ultrasound was done and the Dr. ordered a VCUG. It’s not a simple story. It’s distorted. It is feelings, images and sensations. It is the snippets of the procedure itself but no clear beginning and end. It is traumatic. It is reactions to things now, as an adult. That is how my brain at 5 decided to deal with sexual trauma. I tried to dissociate. My VCUG trauma was retriggered with a failed IUD procedure around 31. I later started to get PTSD symptoms around exam tables on top of the copious amounts of issues I was challenged with as a survivor of VCUG. This is not a nice thing to talk about. I will not go into all the details of my trauma but I will share enough to help you understand the experience and why we need to think twice about VCUG procedures. Going back to August 8th 1994 I remember the fear exchanged between my mom and I as I laid on the operating table. I remember the sadness and worry on her face. It was the most scared I’d ever been, I was so afraid. I remember the bright lights shining down on me. The pain. The people. I was in a state of shock, compliance and people pleasing. It was so confusing, she was trying to get me to relax in such a horribly invasive situation. I had men around me as I was naked and exposed in an open legged butterfly position. They wiped my vulva down. They touched me. I was 5. They penetrated me. It hurt me. They had complete power and control over my body. I was told not to move. I froze. I was deeply embarrassed and felt so shameful for urinating in front of people I did not know. I was having problems with urination (at night) to begin with which is why I was there. I was very confused about what was happening to my body and being asked of me. I was anxious. I never would have been able to comprehend what was happening at such a young age. I did not connect the information with what happened to me. It was a painful and violating procedure. It was deeply humiliating. So, I did what most people do when faced with trauma. I tried to just pick up and carry on with my life. My Mom recalled taking me to lunch after the procedure, waiting for me to react. I did not outwardly react at that moment. I just tried to move on. I ate my lunch. I behaved. I really tried to be ok. I didn’t have the words for what happened. They (my parents) didn’t either. I didn’t know what to say. I did not know what to ask or what to relate it to in my short experiences I had. My Mom also didn’t have words for what she witnessed. We didn’t talk about it or decompress afterwards. I think they thought I would forget and we all would just move on. I wish that I did, but I did not move on. I was confused about my body. Who was entitled to my body. I became hyper-sexual at age 5. I didn’t have boundaries with my body. This carried on into my adulthood. There were many ways that this procedure showed up in my life. Nobody talked to me about my VCUG so I could not connect it with my continued pain and suffering. It was never spoken about after I got off that table. I wish they had asked me. I was angry because I was confused. I was sexually abused. My self image changed after that day. I had trust issues. I never felt like I owned my body. I began to binge eat as a child. I was depressed. I was experiencing symptoms of child sexual trauma. I just wasn’t able to connect my PTSD symptoms with VCUG until I was in my 30s. That made my younger experiences even more confusing and anxiety ridden. So fast forward to early 30s. I went to get an IUD done. I was a few months shy of meeting my husband. I’m very sensitive to medications so I thought this might be a good choice. My Doctor recommended an IUD. So my family Doctor, a resident and a student were present for the IUD procedure that followed. I want to preface that I was given misleading information about how the iud procedure would go, like many women. I was told to take a Tylenol and I might feel some minor pain similar to period cramping. Light bleeding and that it is a relatively quick procedure. I had no idea what was going to happen next. They had my legs in the stirrups for so long that they began to shake involuntarily. It was about 30 minutes for the whole procedure, possibly longer. They attempted to use the sounding device and my body had a hard time accepting the device. The resident pushed the sounding device in and my body was rejecting it. It was painful. She was able to get a measurement. I’m still not sure how, I bled a lot and she had such difficulty. I know my body went right back to that VCUG procedure. It was like it was saying no on my behalf. I felt like I didn’t have a choice at that point. I was at the mercy of them. I couldn’t just stop. It was worse than any pain I’d experienced since my vcug in this intimate way. I felt like I went into a different dimension. It was a strange experience. I had never felt pain like that before. It was absolutely NOTHING like a cramp. I remember the fearful look on the students face. This wasn’t a smooth procedure to say the least. I dissociated. I went back feeling as helpless as I did when I was 5. Laying on the table, powerless. My body immediately rejected the IUD after it was inserted into my uterus. It was excruciating pain having it come out of me after just being inserted. My blood was on my butt, thighs, exam table and the instrumentation tray. They didn’t even cover up the tray when they left the room to discuss what happened and I put my clothes back on. I took a photo of the blood soaked instrumentation tray. I can’t explain why, but I did. It was like I needed to know this really happened to me. It didn’t feel real. I felt I was not given informed consent. I was told there might be light bleeding. Cramping. It straight triggered my VCUG trauma. I was on the table in pain with 3 medical professionals around. I coped by freezing and people pleased. I tried to cover my crying and shouting because I didn’t want to scare anyone. I had a freezing/fawning response similar to my VCUG procedure and also similar to other sexual violence I’ve encountered since my VCUG. It was all connected. I felt like I did not have control. I started to have nightmares on and off again, I still tried to convince myself that nothing had happened. I was trying to tell myself that it wasn’t real; the VCUG procedure or failed IUD. I didn’t want this to be my story. I STILL tried to ignore it. This happened for several more years. I was in denial and did not want to face the reality of my medical trauma. I also have had really bad experiences with pap tests and was given too many as a younger person. That’s a story for a different day. Years after the IUD trauma led to my hyper awareness of my VCUG procedure I have finally accepted what has happened to me. I was able to talk to my parents about it only this year, at 35 years old. The nightmares I was having were real as a child and as an adult. I was medically raped as a little girl. My body remembered the whole experience and I know and accept what has happened to me now. I continue to recover mentally, physically and spiritually. The VCUG was unnecessary. The test did nothing good for my healthcare or wellness. The VCUG was detrimental. My bed wetting was neurological. Other tests could have been done. They could have waited a little longer. It would have cleared up. I suffer from Interstitial Cystitis as an adult. I believe it has to do with the trauma and how my body reacts to stress now. I get extreme pain in my ureter and bladder. IC is related to stress and diet. It’s still a widely unknown and under researched chronic pain condition. I continue to talk about VCUG with anyone willing to listen. It was real. It did happen. It wasn’t a bad dream. I cannot forget it. My body remembered exactly what happened. My brain is playing catch up. I am no longer in denial of my truth. I ordered the chart notes from my VCUG procedure and IUD. I got the reports which have helped me with making it real. The saddest part of all of this is I don’t think I could carry a baby. This is based on what I know about my body (and minds) reaction to this kind of trauma. That’s one of the biggest losses for me. I could not go through the trauma of having a pregnancy in our medical system. I don’t think my body could carry a baby. I fear I would reject it from my childhood sexual medical trauma (VCUG) just like the way I rejected the IUD. I have been put through a lot in such an intimate way. I just don’t think I could do it. I started EMDR therapy late 2024 with an incredible therapist and I am in the process of healing. I started to see a holistic therapist. I have started to talk to my greater community about it, like you guys. Sometimes my body and mind still feels trapped in time, even with my awareness. I am still very early in my healing process. I do not wish to carry the weight of my medical experiences. I was so small. So innocent. It is a lot to process but I know I can recover. I have great support. I remain hopeful. I am finally in a safe space to go back and address the trauma. I don’t carry the shame anymore because I understand what happened to me now. My husband is incredibly loving and understanding. I met others in the unsilenced movement and it was pivotal in my recovery. The unsilenced movement gave me links to literature, others experiences and education. Connection. Understanding. I also know other women who have had atrocious, uninformed experiences with IUDs. I feel grateful that my brain was able to protect me. I have survived. It’s done its job. This did not ruin my relationship with my parents, they were not informed. I can still be a healthy person. This did not ruin me. I am fortunate I have access to paid therapy. I am fortunate I am willing and able to do the work to overcome this. It is a lot of work. The strong women in my life have really kept me going. My husband keeps me going. VCUG procedures should be very carefully considered, if not done at all. Especially on children. There should always be informed consent. Parents should have to give signed consent that they are aware there is a link to rape and child sexual abuse as possible side effects of this procedure. It’s in the medical journals afterall, even at the time of my VCUG. When you google “VCUG procedure” it should come up with the same relevant information as when you type in “VCUG traumatic effects.” We should all know the positive and negative outcomes of any medical procedure. It comes off rather rosy. Could you imagine going into surgery or taking medication only knowing the positive aspects? We need to be informed. The medical community is informed. It is not a minimally invasive test. Even for the kids that do not thrash around and object. The silent ones are suffering too. Stop doing this to children. Fund research. Talk to us. Believe us. Let parents know. Recommend procedures that are less invasive like ultrasounds. There needs to be more literature around the sexual trauma and negative side effects that happen from VCUG procedures. I am adding my story to the literature. Please stop performing VCUG’s on children. Thank you for your time and energy reading this. We really heal together and our connection makes us stronger.