SHELBY (they/them)

At first I just remembered it as an uncomfortable procedure during childhood. I exhibited the signs of CSA but couldn’t remember being assaulted… until the memories of being held down with hands down there while my mom was in the other room. Until I remember my mom making jokes about how I freaked out and soiled myself during the procedures each time. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD in 2019, and with borderline personality disorder in 2023. Every time I’ve had sexual intercourse, I feel like I’ve done something wrong or that I’m dirty, then I’m in a depressive slump for days after. I feel like everyone will abandon me if I show any sign of sickness or weakness because when I needed my parents the most, they were on the other side of the glass while I was pinned down. The only upside of this procedure was I got the stuffed bunny I’ve had for 21 years. It all made sense once I discovered the Unsilenced Movement on Tiktok. It all made sense then. The nightmares about and fears of abandonment, the dissociative episodes especially after sex, it all became so clear. This isn’t even a proper diagnostic tool. The fact that it’s still being used and parents are even sharing photos of their kids at these appointments on social media is sick.