Rosie

TW- SA I was between 7 and 8 years old when I had the VCUG procedure. My mother later told me she had reservations about allowing it but obviously she thought they were doing it for the best and she had been told it would be uncomfortable not painful. I have a strong memory of lying down on a hospital bed, they asked me mother if junior staff could be there too. I was pinned down by 4 medical staff because I was fighting so much. I remember the junior doctor trying to hold my wrist down while I scratched at his hands and dug my nails in to his as hard as I could. The procedure was very painful and I cried a lot. I went home and told my dad I had been able to feel 'it' scratching my insides. This feeling took years to go away. It took being an adult to realise the anxiety, panic attacks and nightmares were probably triggered by this event. For years afterwards I had pain, particularly nerve pain in that area, I used to feel like my insides were going to fall out. So I started holding myself to try and make the pain go away. Unfortunately one day I must have been doing this (on top of clothing I might add) when an older boy accused me of doing something sexual, he then proceeded to SA me. I was approx 9/10. He was a teenager. To this day as a result of VCUG I have limited sensation and nerve pain which can sometimes make intimacy uncomfortable for me. I am terrified of catheterisation. I worry so much about what might happen if I have children, genuinely I think I will need general anaesthetic if I ever require catheterisation. I still struggle to talk about it, because it still distresses me so much, I've only ever told 2 people in my life about it, but I still don't think they understand. Really how could they? To them this is a 'normal' medical procedure, the Drs were helping me.. how bad could it have been?