Ree Rouskey

I didn't even know I was a vcug survivor until late into my teens. I had frequent UTIs as a baby and after one of them I developed a near deadly fever. I was only 3, my mom was so scared and I do not blame her for handing me to a doctor as fast as she could. She did everything she thought was right. I don't remember the procedure itself, not at all. But my mom told me that I wouldn't let her or anyone bathe me, especially my intimates. I would only calm down if I could do it myself. Since I can remember I've been washing myself, and it's always hurt a bit every time I urinated. However I was also prone to mild incontinence, which just caused more pain through the day and for years I've accepted that as normal because I would get tested for utis and come back negative. As I got older, I experienced a significant amount of pain with my first insertion, but I was told this would be normal. But it kept hurting. It didn't matter how long I prepped or how much I thought I was ready, I've never had anything inserted into me that hasn't caused pain that makes me sweat. I was always told I was just sexually abused, I just don't remember it. I'm 26 years old now, and my mom finally told me about her perspective on that day. She said they needed to use a catheter for a test, and she needed to be escorted out. She told me there were nurses who had to hold her back from the room after she heard me screaming in there. I had no idea so many other people were like me, I've always been ashamed of my behavior at pelvic exams. I'm genuinely overwhelmed, I've been relentlessly googling "botched catheter job" or "painful bladder syndrome" and never found anything that I've connected to more than this. I know this is just a ramble and I don't know if it will even be read, but you'll always have me keeping this message alive.