R

‘Patient tolerated the procedure well’ ‘Patient tolerated the procedure well’ ‘Patient tolerated the procedure well’ ‘Patient tolerated the procedure well’ ‘Patient tolerated the procedure well’ ‘Patient tolerated the procedure well’ ‘Patient tolerated the procedure well’ ‘Patient tolerated the procedure well’ That is what the report says after the VCUG I had when I was 4. I was 2 years old when I had my first VCUG, the second at the age of 4 after having stents put in my ureters and the last one at the age of 7. I never tolerated it well. I have several medical conditions since the day I was born, leading me to 8 surgeries and lots of hospital trips. My ureters were too small, leading to severe kidney infections startign at the age of 2, my parents would say they could smell my infections from the other side of the house. I later had stents put in and taken out. I still have the scar from the surgery, looking like a smiley face. I dont remember much of the first or third, but I remember the second one clearly after finally remembering it. I had amnesia when it came to the procedures only small snippets, nightmares and reactions till I was 21, when i finally figured out what happened to me. I was put in a childs dressing gown and set in a chair with a warming blanket before the procedure even began. When it was ready they had me walk into the room, it was already dark with only the big spotlight on. There were 4 people in the room. They picked me up and had me lay down on the bed it was cold… so so cold. The lights were so bright that i couldnt look up so I had my eyes closed or turned to the side the whole time, the light was warm on my skin. They didnt even warn me when it began, they just grabbed my ankles and opened and bent my legs up, I was 4, i had no idea what was going on. I remember the smell when a cap was opened and a brown liquid that burned my nostrils so bad that it made me dizzy. They never explained it to me when they would rub this liquid, later learning it was Povidone Iodine a antiseptic used to disinfect skin, all over my crotch and thighs. The doctor was rough with it too, really getting every nook and cranny, it burned and was painful. Ive always bruised easily and my mom found finger shaped bruises on my inner thighs and on my bikini line (she later told me this when i was 21). I remember when they started putting the catheter in and I started moving, squirming to get away, when 5 adults all held me down, one for each limb and my torso, I probably looked like I was having an exorcism. The pain was terrible, it was searing and hot and uncomfortable type of pain that burn afterwards. My ureters were too small and the catheter got stuck but they pushed it in through and it was so painful I remember everything going white. I remember feeling the liquid go in as it filled my bladder up, it was luke warm and uncomfortable, I felt like I was about to burst! Then they said I needed to pee and i tried to hold it for as long as possible and they got mad at me because it hurt to and I coudlnt. I could tell the staff were getting angry at me and my mom was getting annoyed as well. When I finally let go, voiding everything only leaving shame and humiliation inside me. Something changed within me after that. They said “Good job” and left me to get dressed, riding home in tired silence. My mom was there in the room, looking at me while im screamed her words to me were “you were so uncomfortable”. I havent told her how that VCUG at 4 years old affected me. The same thing happened at 7, but I blanked out most of it, and Im ok with that. My family is one of emotional immaturity, emotioanl walls, and little understanding. I love ym family but they arent always loving people and that trauma of a VCUG was something they didnt know how to handle or care for. I hated using the restroom and did my best to hold it so i didnt have to, potty training regressed a bit and was shamed publicly within my family and parents friends. I felt gross and dirty everytime I peed, even after the UTIs stopped. Ive had suicidal thoughts since the age of 5, and 6 suicide attempts since the age of 6, watching the news seeing a shooting and just hoping I could switch places with that person. CSA symptoms were rampent in childhood, I was hypersexual at a young age, playing with myself at the age of 6. Humping my toys, couch, school desk, or table. I was very curious about the human body and reproductive organs at the kindergarten/first grade level. I would dream about being SA’ed at a younge age, putting myself in dangerous situations with adult men who would touch me, leading me to being raped at the age of 5 and molested several times. I hated to shower or be naked, always covering up myself and not wearing PJs, instead wearing the clothes I was gonna wear the next day. I would go days without bathing or showering and hated cleaning my genetalia. I was always a touchy child, touching others and myself. I remember as a child a family friend gifted me a pen that would vibrate and brought it to school, using it on myself or sometimes others not knowing why. I now cant even image doing anything sexual as it causes me to panic or cry. I was aggressive and had mood swings, going between people pleasing or an angry demon, I was so so angry as a child but quiet as well, leading me to be isolated. As an adult no one in my family knows of the struggles ive been through as a child and a teen. They dont know anything, the rape, the suicide attempts, the nightmares, and selfhatred. Not remembering anything besides snippets or triggers that would cause me to panic ea. Ghostbusters Theme Song. I have trouble making and keeping friendships, especially people my own age only connecting with older adults. Ive been diagnosed with Anxiety, OCD(POCD), Depression, and Suicidal Thoughts, with suspected ADHD. Adult me now can’t masterbate, can’t think sexually besides intrusive thoughts that cause me to panic. I dont trust anyone around me or who flirts with me, making me think they are trying to touch or rape me. Im distrustful of men even though I get along with them. I feel dirty showering and cant take a shower that isnt scalding hot to hurt me. I feel numb to my body, like it isnt me or anything. People can touch me or examine me and I just dont care anymore, I can strip my clothes in front of people and not care because I feel that my body isnt mine, its just a bag of flesh controlled by electrified fat and water that causes chemicals to make thoughts and emotions. I feel like my genatalia isnt a part of me, I have no concept of gender or who I am truly, phsyically or emotonally. I cant go to a OBGYN because the only time Ive ever gone they didnt care about the mistrust and torture I went through and activly made fun of me, so did my mom. Im 23 and still havent had a pap smear because Im too scared to, still too distrustful of the people around me to ever let them touch me. Im working on myself. Learning to be kinder to myself and that what happened impacted me and did a lot of damage to me but i can still be good to myself. Im slowly learning to love myself and my body, its me not just a flesh bag of electric meat. I learned I can be mad at the world and what it did to me but my reaction is all my own. On the days I feel unclean I will be kind to myself, taking a shower with a scent or using fancy lotions that smell good to ground me, it makes the smell of hospital cleaner and iodine go away. On the days I feel tired, i allow myself to feel tired and say im allowed to go to bed. When i wake from nightmares i right down what little parts Ive dreamed of and use it to understand what is happening to me. Ive delt with eating disorders so being ok to eat has been a challenge but getting better. Ive been going to the gym, which allows me to like mt body more and give me a goal, I can look myself in the mirror even when im comparing myself to others. To all those urologists in the world, this is what I have to say to you. Fuck You. FUCK YOU for making us go through something so terrible while you go numb to it, with no compassion to the children or adults you do this to. For not openly sharing the mental effects it has on children with the adults, going on like it has no effect on what it does to us in the future. Why dont you see that children are humans, not little pets with no emotions and that your actions have an effect on them the moment they meet you till the rest of their lives. Just because you are too lazy or uncaring to try a different method, one that is less invasive or hell just sedating the patient, doesnt mean that it doesnt impact us. I hope one day you have to go through the same procedure we all had to go through, with people pinning you down as a catheter is hsoved up inside you with no painkillers or numbing agents. Im in the medical field now, and I see the burn out, the long shifts, the uncaring people of the world, but you arent in an ER or at an urgent care. Most of the time you are working with children, act like you are working with children, that means kindness, understanding, patience, and respect. Making sure children are actually understanding what you are telling them. To all the survivors out there, all I can say is that Im glad you are here and im proud of you for getting this far. For the setbacks, the pain and trauma this did to us, here we are still kicking and living, even when sometimes we dont feel like it. Everyday is a journey and I hope that this procedure didnt take away your joy, your laughter, your belief in the world and that someday it will be ok. Sometimes the setbacks will be hard, and you feel like you cant do it, but I promise you that you will survive. I hope someday that we can wash away the hands that violated us.