JASON (he/him)

I am a transgender man who was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder when I turned 16. For the longest time, I could never figure out why I had DID, since I couldn’t remember any extreme trauma that would have occurred before the age of 9. In my late teens, I’d begun to have violent flashbacks of being held down on my back and hands all over my genial areas, all things I couldn’t remember actually happening. When I discussed it with my mother, she finally informed me of the multiple VCUG procedures I’d had as a baby. She told me that they were so disturbing to witness that she eventually went against medical advice and stopped them from ever performing it on me again. For my entire childhood, as far back as I can remember, had a compulsive addiction to masturbating, along with rather violent fantasies of being controlled and forced to do humiliating things against my will. As a child, I always felt evil and dirty in a way that I couldn’t describe and I never told anyone about it until after my DID diagnosis. When I was 16 and my mother explained what had happened to me as a baby, it all suddenly made sense to me. To think that the medical “treatments” I received had been so traumatizing that I developed an extreme trauma disorder is mind blowing. To me, it felt just like I’d been violently raped while other people were watching it happen. Now I suffer for it with the hypersexuality and dissociation that I deal with. I know DID can be caused by a great many things, I just wonder if anyone else out there has the same condition as me for the same reason. Knowing there are so many stories like mine really helps me feel less alone in this.