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GRACE

An Unsilenced Survivor Story

I remember screaming for my mom, looking up, and seeing the tears in her eyes as another nurse shuffled her out of the room. I had no clue what was happening the entire time, I was so little - all I knew was that it hurt like hell, and the medical professionals seemed angry that I’d reacted the way I did.

GRACE

I remember my mom picking me up from kindergarten in the middle of the day, and telling me we were going to the doctor. Being little, I had no clue what for, and was happy just to get to leave school early to be with my mom.

Once we got to the hospital, I remember being instructed to strip down and put into a hospital gown, and placed on a bed. The nurses told me it wouldn’t hurt, and before I knew it, I was in agony. I remember thrashing and screaming while the nurses and doctors pinned me down, begging them to stop because it hurt so badly. It felt like I was being stabbed in the urethra, and someone was twisting a knife inside me.

I remember screaming for my mom, looking up, and seeing the tears in her eyes as another nurse shuffled her out of the room. I had no clue what was happening the entire time, I was so little - all I knew was that it hurt like hell, and the medical professionals seemed angry that I’d reacted the way I did.

I lived so much of my life feeling like I was the problem; after all, this was supposedly a “painless procedure”… right? I understand now how deeply rooted this trauma has been on my body. After dealing with a sexual assault and UTIs later in life, I still struggle with intimacy and hypertonic pelvic floor dysfunction. My pelvic floor regularly spasms to the extent of it being painful, and feeling like I need to urinate even when my bladder isn’t full.

It is a hell that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. My inability to fight back during my assault lives with me, just as being pinned down by adults as a child does.

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