Anonymous

I had VCUGs as an 8 year old, and it is the root of all my medical trauma and anxiety today. I remember stinging pain, being held down by multiple nurses, and the doctor being frustrated and yelling at the nurses for not being able to get the test done more efficiently. (I was fighting them HARD to pull my knees apart.) Years later, my mother told me that the doctor separated her and my father after the test to ask about any history of abuse because “they only see reactions ‘like that’ in patients with histories of CSA.” I had no history of abuse; my reaction was solely to the pain and fear I experienced during the test. This trauma was compounded by a sexual assault as a teenager, and even though I know it was not my fault and do not blame myself, I wonder if the trauma and lack of bodily autonomy I carried from my VCUG contributed to my unwillingness to fight the assault. Today, I struggle to accept routine medical care and to believe that healthcare providers feel empathy toward their patients (even if I know that most do). Knowing that VCUG trauma is a known phenomenon is validating and helps me make sense of my experience.