Leslie Heath

As a child, I had many UTIs and urinary reflux until I was 7 years old. I took low-dose antibiotics and had a VCUG annually. I remember being on the table, in pain, with people around me demanding that I be a good girl and let them do what they needed to with my body. I remember the shame and humiliation and the coldness of the table and the voices. Apparently, any time we drove past that hospital, I would say, “That’s where the bad people are.” Once I was old enough, I never felt like I could ask why this was happening to me because I saw how upset my parents were, and I didn’t want to hurt them more. Even my sister understood that this was a taboo subject for our family. My earliest memories are of this procedure, but I tried very hard not to think about the details. The memories faded into the background and became more like remembered nightmares than actual events. My childhood was largely happy, although I began developing anxiety and what I know now was counting OCD. I’ve since read that compulsive counting may be a way for the brain to avoid intrusive thoughts. In my early twenties, my mental health took a nosedive. The anxiety was unbearable. It started being triggered by sexuality and brought feelings of shame and guilt that were unexplainable. My poor husband was so confused. Of course, there was also the pain that I now know is vaginismus. I had never been able to use tampons comfortably either. I thought something was wrong with me, so I went to lots of doctors and had loads of tests done. I tried pelvic floor PT, pain management techniques, etc. The pain improved a bit eventually, but the emotional fear of intimacy has been the hardest. Although I have made myself go, I have a deep fear of doctors and hospitals. When I get home from an appointment, I need to rest afterward because I am so emotionally exhausted. My heart rate is so fast in a doctor’s office that they won’t let me donate blood. I absolutely hated having to stay in the hospital when I had my children. I wanted to take my babies and run! I am now 44 years old, and I am just now putting all these pieces together. I wonder what life would have been like if I hadn’t had the 6 to 7 VCUGs. I know you all are the only ones that truly understand these thoughts and feelings, and I am so grateful for this community. Thank you for reading!