Janet

I am 60 years old. I’ve been to various therapists over the last 20 some years trying to figure out why I am so triggered by touch from not only strangers getting into “my space bubble” but those I love, like a friend giving me a hug or my husband’s advances. I’d mentioned my experience with VCUG to all of the therapists. However, it wasn’t until I found my current therapist that finally recognized this experience as being a trauma I had not processed and was reliving each time someone touched me. You see, I remembered and relived but kept downplaying the effects on my life because it was a medical procedure. So therefore, I kept thinking it was unreasonable for me to think it could be traumatizing. The same day my therapist suggested the significance of this to me, I searched on the internet for information about this procedure. Here I am 60 years old and struggled all these years. When I found The Unsilenced Movement I wept. So much made sense now. Here is my journal entry from that day… Today I made a tremendous and horrible discovery….I had been sexually assaulted as a child. Not by a family member or friend but by a group (groups-since it happened more than once) of strangers. I was forced to undress, lie on a cold table with glaring lights around me. My legs were forced open and a tube was stuck inside of me-all the while I’m crying. I look around and only see strangers. I can’t find my mother. It hurt. I was told to lie still. The pressure to urinate was excruciating. They had filled my bladder with a liquid. I was told to hold it for what seemed like a very long time. Then I was told to urinate. I remember the same adult strangers making me hold it were now telling me to pee on the table. And then the sounds of the machines taking pictures. This happened more than once because I remember peeing on a table at one time and another time having to get up with the tube inside of me hurting and stand over a drain on a cold floor and pee while people watched behind a screen and the sounds of the machines terrified me. Of course these were not pedophiles or rapists but professional medical staff! It was assumed that this was all ok because it was a necessary medical test. I was around 5 and 6 years old when this happened. I know this because I had the surgery in kindergarten. I know that the procedure helped to identify the issue and necessity of the surgery. But a 5 year old brain does not know this. Think about this….I’m at the age where you are taught (soon after potty training not to pee all over yourself) to not allow strangers to touch you in your privates. I was taught that I could not protect myself and that my mother couldn’t either (she was not allowed in the room). I was taught that touch “down there” hurt. I was shamed by peeing on myself with strangers looking at me and taking pictures. The effects of this trauma led to decades of relationship issues, anxiety, panic attacks and migraines. Since my therapist was able to identify this experience as the source of my trauma, I’ve been able successfully process the events through EMDR/ART. These therapies have been very helpful to me. But many others have been more severely affected by VCUG depending on the age and frequency they underwent the procedure. Many are still struggling to find relief from reliving this event physically in their body. I hope that by sharing this the medical community will learn how to modify this test so it is not a traumatizing process.