Anonymous

I had a VCUG when I was 3 1/2. I’m 21 now and it haunts me every day. I started remembering when I was 14 thanks to the show Game of Thrones. I watched a little girl being harmed and she was screaming out for her parents, who did nothing to help her. That scene disturbed me and I started having these random thoughts about me screaming for my parents while being restrained and my legs spread open for adult men in white coats. I would do anything in the world to erase the fact that this happened to me. I was sexually assaulted twice (once when I was 14, again when I was 18) and would gladly relive those experiences 1,000 times again if I could erase the VCUG exam being a part of my past. I was never able to develop a normal relationship with my parents because from a young age I learned that they could simply stand by and watch me be tortured and not step in. I was never able to develop a healthy relationship with my body or sex. I was hyper-sexual since I was 11 and got into dangerous relationships. Now, I’m completely uninterested in sex. I have intrusive thoughts about the exam randomly throughout the day and have a visceral reaction accompanied by actual genital pain. It has affected my schoolwork and my job performance. I have seriously considered suicide because I can’t fathom a life where I have to remember this. I was 3 1/2 and robbed of my bodily autonomy. Something horrible happened to me and there’s nothing I can do about it, and that is so infuriating to me.