Andrea Kirsty

I often wonder how deeply your first memories impact your life. I remember pushing a stroller around the front hall of my childhood home. I remember the smell of dirt and humid greenery from a family camping trip. And I remember every excruciating detail of my VCUG at 2. Every smell, every sound, every sensation. It was the worst day of my life without question. There has not been one single day of peace for me since. I am now 25 and cannot be in an intimate relationship. My body goes into fight or flight immediately. Can you imagine feeling panicked at every sign of intimacy. I can’t hold someone’s hand without shaking like a leaf. I have been in therapy since age 7, was in and out of the psych ward for the entirety of my young adult life, and have made so many attempts to end my suffering I have forgotten the number. I am disabled and in need of frequent medical care but unable to get the treatments I require because I cannot tolerate it. Inevitably this will end my life sooner. I am known for being a resilient person. Yet my VCUG trauma has destroyed large portions of my life. I will have to be in trauma therapy for the rest of my life. Pay out of pocket for that therapy which is not covered by most insurance. Yet what was done to me was legal and “for my benefit”. It’s hard to feel valid as a victim when there is no crime and zero retribution. It is excruciating and unfair.