ALEC B (They/Them)

I was maybe seven or eight. Young. I was told what would happen through some little animated tutorials, but I can't remember actually... understanding what was going to be happening? Then it happened. Oh, my God, it was agony. Painless, my ass! It was my standard of "the worst pain ever" for years and years. I admittedly can't remember much other than it being painful and awful, and the doctor meant to be overseeing it all took ages to show up, and I think I had to wait for him. I was screaming, literally screaming because of how much it hurt. I didn't know what was happening, only that it hurt more than anything else ever had. I forget exactly how, but I discovered masturbation and immediately linked it to this. I didn't know what sex was and thought what I was doing involved pee, and that I had to "practice holding my pee for the next time" I had a VCUG- some sort of deep, low-grade traumatic obsession. I later found out about how the brain can start making trauma a source of arousal as a way to cope.